Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
This is the one
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*