People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
The French cow says MEUX…
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.