(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
the last thing a carrot sees
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.