A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask