I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”