[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You Might Also Like
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The Backseat Boys
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.