Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
A bold strategy
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.