My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Isn’t
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
mom had nothing to worry about
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.