me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
When someone says you are so lazy
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.