Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
You Might Also Like
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I have so many questions.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount