Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.