Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
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Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first