People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
man: wait
time: no
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?