“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.