[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses