The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
You Might Also Like
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight