A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
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“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
don’t be scared
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?