The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Single and childfree like Jesus
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.