me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.