I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.