I wish gyms had a “montage” option
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2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
reduce, reuse, recycle
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮