I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
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Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Don’t touch that.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.