Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.