Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I’m about to risk it all
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches