My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Self-cleaning conscience
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
i choose….tongue
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”