I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon