Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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I have a type: disappointing
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job