[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
choose your fighter
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked