[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.