Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka