Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.