I can’t be the only one 😂
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.