There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset