I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You Might Also Like
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn