“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
You Might Also Like
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic