I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.