I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
A French press is when you hug naked
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
any last words?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.