We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
You Might Also Like
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*