started wrapping my pills in cheese
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye