This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
All generalizations are stupid.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The Sun
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know