[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Do not steal food from the science building!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*