me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?