doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.