Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam