After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?