*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*pronounces woah like Noah*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I mean…but I did
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
For the baby who has everything
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…