Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You Might Also Like
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
this could fix me
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]