You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Go hard or stay average
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.