if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo