[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
😂😂😂
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion